I've wanted to start a blog for a long time but it just seems overwhelming. Where would I start? Here is a very short version.
Long story short I was date raped and gave up my daughter for adoption. Being in my early 30s when she was born and well into a mortgage I don't meet the usual birthmother stereotype. I think I am going to write about my journey here when I feel like it. Should I also mention my mother is a heroin addict and I was raised in foster care? I guess I just did.
I have only written sofar just on Craigslist Adoption Forums https://forums.craigslist.org/?forumID=2232 where I started writing about halfway through my pregnancy. I have done very little venturing outside of that forum, where I have repeatedly been called a liar by verified liars. If you added up all my postings outside there about this it was less than a dozen.
Peanut turned 4 last summer. It's been a real challenge keeping my relationship with these people strong with mutual respect. If they did not have my daughter there were a few times I would have cussed them out and I'm sure they've held their tongue too.
I feel so blessed that I got to really get to know her adopters without them having any idea that I was considering placing my child. When they first met me they assumed that I was just getting to know a family in the neighborhood because I was expecting. They didn't believe me at first when I told them that I was planning for most of my pregnancy to give her up for adoption. I don't think I could or would have made this leap of faith if I only knew them under the premise of them from the start wanting something as badly as most adopters want a child. It must be hard to have honesty that way.
When a potential birthmother is meeting potential adopters she has all the power, but might feel like she owes them if she accepts financial help. At any time she could walk away and send them back to the waiting area so they have every reason to laugh at her worst jokes. As soon as the revocation period is over they have even more power over her. She could have thrown them back in the waiting area to look for another birthmother but if she goes through with it they can take her irreplaceable child from her. If they have resentments from when she was in control they are going to come out.
When I entered into this agreement with them it never occurred to me that the family might move, find Jeebus or have more kids. I was mortified when they mentioned that he was applying for jobs in other cities and was even interviewed by one. They seemed upset when I moved even though it just means more driving for me as I usually visit them. I still own a house that's walkable distance to theirs and plan to move back before Peanut is old enough to walk to my house by herself. I didn't ask a lot of questions about their plights with infertility but it must not have been as bad as I thought since they've had more kid(S!) accidentally.
There was nothing on the original agreement about Jeebus but I just assumed that at their age they wouldn't fall for it if they hadn't already. We talked about it and they were veritably anti-church before. I am usually hostile to religion but have had to do a lot of biting my tongue. It's going to get even more challenging when she is older and if she asks me about this stuff. I try not to cheer too hard when they stop going to their church because they always seem to go back like an abusive boyfriend. I don't want Peanut to ever be sad thinking I am going to hell. I went to their church once at their insistence and I'd do it regularly if Peanut was genuinely concerned I was going to hell. I hope that girl never realizes just how much she has me wrapped around her pinkie. I would be just broken if I couldn't see her.
It really bothers me how on Teen Mom Bethany puts forth so much effort to nurture the relationship between Catelyn and the birth-parents. I don't know any other birthmothers but I doubt the agency answers years later to help manage the relationship between adopters and birthmoms like they do on the show. I doubt they even answer calls from most birthmothers after the ink is dry. Caitlyn seems genuinely concerned about other birthmothers, I might someday try to bring this to her attention. Especially since she has that nauseating video recommending Bethany's brand of Jeebus to everyone.
I've babysat Peanut and her brother both times when mom was in labor and brought them to the hospital to meet their most recent sibling. Peanut was told that I came out of her tummy but she didn't seem too interested. I think she was mostly upset with the usual not-the-baby-anymore and not even the 2nd-place-baby anymore stuff that any newly 2nd to youngest child feels. I tried to make her excited about being a big sister and a bigger sister but I think she just wants to stay a baby. I can't even get her excited about starting school like her brother just did.
I heard his brother ask about his birthmother recently. They said she was in China and they didn't know much. I feel sad that he will have to be told eventually that he was abandoned. I hope before he's old enough to search there's a 23 and Me in China where he can find his biological family and translation technology that will allow them to seamlessly communicate. I enjoy international exploring, maybe I'll take him to China when he's older.
When we tell Peanut the whole story about me not wanting to be a mommy at that time and this having nothing to do with her I hope it makes her feel empowered. She doesn't have to be a mommy either unless that's what she wants, and not until she wants. Of course she's still too young for any of that now. Surely she will feel some rejection like kids do during divorce. But is that really worth me parenting when I didn't want to? If I was home with her on my hip I never would have gotten close to my husband. I would be trapped in the house all the time with a baby. Never able to lock myself in a room and do what I do. She follows her mom into the bathroom. Wow.
I've always agreed that I would never go anywhere near Peanut when I am stoned but once they ran into me out in public when I was. They overreacted and other than them moving that was the only time I thought they might break the promises between us. Now we have a codeword that means hey I'm stoned lets make this a short surprise visit. I've used it a few times and they didn't even seem to mind much.
When I'm stressing these things I spend more time on the Craigslist adoption forum than I should. First mother forum ladies said some interesting things to me about women coming in there all gangbusters who have recently given children up. I dont' remember their exact words but they touched me. It's not good for me to go into that openly hostile environment when I feel off like this.
Proving that others weren't forced doesn't make my choice any more justifiable but the intellectual masturbation is still a decent distraction. These women that drive me nuts made the same choice I did, but they just can't admit they walked away from all that they did. I can understand why they'd feel that way but I still resent them for lying about what happened and blaming the whole world.
I'm disgusted by them outright lying about history by saying that there were 6 million babies involved in the BSE when there were actually only 1.5 million adopted in that whole era. They continue to insist that there was no welfare available for unwed white mothers and that they would be turned away when it was really black women, especially those with more than one child, who were turned away. They outright lie about what happened to them. I have links of them contradicting themselves, saying for example they read the list of drugs aloud to their husband from their medical records and then later that the names of the drugs were not on their medical records. Dozens of contradictions just like that but they have the nerve to say I'm lying without any evidence of such. I once wrote to someone from a magazine who was doing a piece on adoption. She wanted to take my picture and interview me for the story. I almost did it, just so I could be like, look bitches, buy this magazine, that's me, kiss my ass. I ended up not doing it because that would create a permanent record that could violate Peanut's privacy.
I am most offended by the strong undertones that they are better than poor women. HA! Poor women were able to find a way to keep their babies, hell or high water. Poor women did what they wanted to do even if it meant dirty looks, and stood by their friends in the same boat. I was raised in foster homes that were mostly poor but I'm glad I didn't pick up any middle class values despite being reasonably well off now!
It also pisses me off how they perpetuate the stigma on welfare by accusing me of gaming the system which I've never used as an adult. They've called me a slut in every which way. I admit that I've had one night stands but I see no reason I can't use my body as I see fit. They brought this up and even exaggerated and used my history against me when they were picking apart my rape and saying it didn't happen. This is war, those bitches will never hear the end of me.
Part of me understands their skepticism. I know its unusual for an adult like msyelf established in the world owning a house to give up a child. I just simply did not want to be a parent. I didn't want to. Why would I sacrifice a greater part of my adult life with something I did not want to do while others wanted nothing more? If my choices were to leave her in the woods or raise her I would have raised her, but there was another option. It's not easy. It does hurt sometimes. But the reality is instead of changing nappies and potty training I have been free. I can sit and play the guitar and write songs or computer programs or bad poetry or paint for hours and my husband knows better than to knock on my study. I can go up in the mountains or to the beach for the weekend with no planning. I can get drunk and crawl home and not have to worry about childcare. Parenting just seemed like an damper on the rest of my life and I feel like I'm still free and I still get to see her grow and thrive with people who want to spend their time this way.
At 35 I find myself a lot more calmed down than I was at 31. I think sometimes about having another baby before it's too late. My husband really wants to have a child but he knew when he married me I didn't. He says he will watch the kid if I want to go to the mountains or get drunk or spend a day in my study. I just can't imagine explaining this to Peanut and that's the biggest reason I don't want to do it. The biggest reason I've been considering it is like me my husband gets just one life and he really wants to do this. We have also decided that in our 40s we are going to adopt some teenagers and help them get a good start on adulthood.
I always feel better after writing. My husband wants me to come to bed. I think I will.
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